Last week, I spent a few hours reading some of the emails between Jeffrey Epstein and Deepak Chopra. Having read Liz Bucar’s article in November, I was curious to explore the nature of their friendship for myself.

Initially, several things struck me. One, the banality of their conversations. “You okay?” Epstein writes. “Bored,” replies Chopra. He sends Epstein links to his books, his events, his channels, like a needy influencer. Their exchanges on the nature of consciousness would embarrass a philosophy undergrad, yet they believe they are at the cutting edge. Chopra writes, “The answers to your questions are based on understanding reality which only a few due (sic). I have spent my life explaining it and only few get it. I will keep trying!” The level of self-delusion and lack of self-reflection are stunning.

“I’m deeply grateful for our friendship,” (heart emoji, praying hands emoji) writes Chopra in July 2017, nine years after Epstein’s initial 2008 conviction for procuring a child for prostitution, and two years before he was charged with sex trafficking.

Two, I was struck (as many other people have shared) by the profoundly disturbing nature of their references to “girls.” “Bring your girls,” Chopra writes in several emails. Nothing more than that, just a passing reference to Epstein’s “girls,” as if the situation is completely normal and requires no further explanation.

A couple of days ago, it became clear to me that what we are seeing is depravity. The depravity which underpins empire, which has always and forever been part of the fabric of empire, laid bare for all to see. The depravity of raping and abusing; the depravity of obscene wealth built on the backs of exploited workers and shameless profiteering; the depravity of the bombing of starved populations by genocidal governments; the depravity of enslaving and trafficking, stealing land, shooting protesters, and so much more. Depravity, in all its forms.

(And even as we are seeing their depravity writ large, they continue to deny, to lie, to gaslight.)

Yesterday, I awoke anxious. A raised heartbeat, discomfort throughout my being. At first, I couldn’t quite grasp what was here. A frozen fight response, perhaps? Or irritation, frustration, hostility?

Then it erupts: ancient feminine contempt. The words fucking pathetic come raging through teeth and tears. The contempt finally spills, and feels like sanity and clarity. Gradually, my nervous system realigns itself, and my energy returns. I go for a walk, still with fucking pathetic coursing through each step.

So many of those held up as worthy of respect, admiration or deference, as models to aspire to, revealed without doubt to be nothing more than utterly pathetic. Thoroughly, abjectly pathetic, as is anyone – parent, relative, teacher, guru, coach, employer, politician, whoever – who misuses their power to abuse those less powerful.

I see – not for the first time – how often I used to over-ride this contempt, and how much better my life would have been if I’d had more access to it, if I hadn’t been so frequently stuck in flight-appease-fawn in the guise of being nice or understanding or whatever-the-fuck-that-was. And I remember those few precious times in which contempt or rage galvanised me, got me out of where it wasn’t okay for me to be, saved me.

Contempt and rage are entirely fitting and natural responses to depravity. They are among what philosophers call the moral emotions, the feelings that tell us that what we’re reacting to is a moral violation. When fitting, “contempt reacts to what we ought not stoop to be,” to quote philosopher Michelle Mason. In other words, we feel contempt in response to what is contemptible.

Our contempt and rage are vital and necessary, both for our own sanity and survival, and for the world’s, in the face of such depravity. The fact that we feel contempt in such circumstances means we’re viscerally in touch with what it means to be fully human.

I’m totally done trying to be anything other.